The Houseplant - a little fiction from Lyssa Medana #HazardousToYourSanity

Posted by Lyssa Medana on December 02, 2023 in

 

Image from Unsplash, taken by Sanni Sahil

Aunt Isabel blew in unexpectedly late on Tuesday night. My poor husband opened the door and just gaped as she rushed past him. “Jasmine!” she said. “It’s so good to see you!” She gave me a hug that felt more like a rugby tackle laced with expensive perfume. “Tim can bring in my bags for me, can’t you sweetie?” She tossed her car keys to my stunned husband who realised too late and floundered at the last minute to grab them out of the air.

“My husband’s name is Tom,” I said.

“Of course, sweetie,” Aunt Isabel said. She looked around and sighed. “Your place hasn’t changed a tiny bit. It’s still so….”

I jumped in before she could complete that thought. “We really like it here,” I said. “It’s good to see you, too.” I hesitated and then bit the bullet. “We weren’t expecting you. Are you staying long?”

Aunt Isabel laughed. “I just had this mad idea to visit you on the way to see Strachan,” she said. “I thought I’d stop in quickly, buy you dinner, catch up with all the news and then meet up with my darling boy while his wife is out of town. Then I can come back here when she’s on her way back and we can have a proper visit. It will be splendid.” She turned to see Tom staggering in with her bags. “You are such a sweetie. Why couldn’t Strachan marry someone as sweet as you?” she said, shaking her head.

“Because they were all scared of you?” Tom said.

I shot Tom a quick look and turned back to Aunt Isabel. She had terrorised any female who got close to her son, Strachan, and it had taken a brave woman to marry into that. “Would you like a cup of coffee?” I asked.

Aunt Isabel stared. “Are you out of the Chardonnay?” she asked. “I sent a case at Christmas.” She flopped onto the sofa. “Order something with lots and lots of Chinese dishes and break out whatever wine is in,” she said. She jumped back to her feet and gave Tom a hard look. “You forgot the plant.”

“What?” Tom said. “I didn’t see a plant.”

Aunt Isabel sighed. “It was tucked into the footwell in the rear passenger side, in the far corner, so it couldn’t get damaged,” she said. “I thought that it would be obvious.”

“I’ll go and have another look,” Tom grumbled, shooting me a look.

“The plant is for you two, sweetie,” Aunt Isabel said. “I thought it might give a little lift to any neglected corner in your lovely home.” She turned back to me. “Which is the best Chinese around here? I need somewhere that delivers in quantity.”

*** 

We poured Aunt Isabel into an Uber later that evening and sent her off to her son. I watched the car disappeared before carefully breathing out. “Hurricane Izzy is heading west,” I said.

“She’s very…” Tom shook his head. “She’s very everything. And why did she bring a plant?”

“You know that she loves plants,” I said as we trudged unsteadily back into the house. “She got rid of Strachan’s first live in girlfriend by waiting until they went on holiday and then digging up and replanting their entire garden. The last but one she chased off by planting borders full of daisies that set off the poor girl’s allergies.” I looked at the green monster sitting on the coffee table. “She’s going to expect to see this flourish.”

“But she knows that we are useless with plants,” Tom said. “Giving a plant to us is sentencing it to a long, painful death. We’ve never managed to grow anything.”

“You know what she’s like,” I said. “But it’s okay. We’ll just have to be extra careful.” I avoided Tom’s eyes. “And we’d better look out that wine she sent and get it in the fridge,” I added.

“I’d rather have a cup of tea,” Tom grumbled.

 ***

Aunt Isabel breezed back in late on Saturday. “I have no idea why Strachan married that girl,” she said. “She has no idea. I had to reorganise everything in her kitchen. I got Strachan out of the way for a full afternoon so it will be a nice surprise for both of them.”

I exchanged a quick look with Tom. “They may feel that you’ve gone a little far,” I said carefully. “You know that Strachan’s wife doesn’t want you in the house after you donated all her clothes to the charity shop.”

“I didn’t donate all of them,” Aunt Isabel said as she once again collapsed onto the sofa before stopping and looking at the houseplant sitting neatly on the coffee table. “Sweetie, have you been watering the plant I left?”

I nodded. “I looked up the plant online and I’ve been watering every day, just like you’re supposed to. And it looks fine for it. And I’ve even bought some plant food.”

Tom nodded. “We may have finally broken our run of bad luck with plants,” he said. “This one is still flourishing.”

Aunt Isabel slowly leaned forward to poke at the base of the plant. “It’s quite hard to kill a plant by neglect in four days, sweetie,” she said carefully. “But this is a little awkward.” She looked between me and my husband. “You see, I knew that you kill all houseplants,” she said. “I don’t think that there’s any way to stop that.” She prodded at the base again. “So I bought you an artificial plant that I didn’t think that you could kill.” She looked at us again with an expression of concerned awe. “It’s a plastic plant in a foam base,” she said. “It’s supposed to make it lightweight and easy to keep.” The plant slowly fell sidewards out of the base and split on the coffee table. “But when you watered it, you damaged the foam and it started to crumble. It’s not meant to get damp.” She started to laugh helplessly. “I don’t know how you didn’t realise that it was silk and plastic, but you managed to kill an artificial plant.”